God began this journey painting a picture of true love, and planting a seed of hope within my heart of finding a godly loving man to spend the rest of my life with as husband and wife.
I also know God often uses these ideals to lead, when His intention may only be to teach valuable lessons, and show how much He loves me.
As I have found opportunities to share my story with others, I hope to bring healing, encouragement, and comfort. I know my vulnerability and optimism may be seen as naivete or wrongly encouraging idealism and fantasy, yet I am convinced God wants me to share and encourage others.
At the beginning of this journey my world was small and compartmentalized. I was closed off, shut down, living as a tightly closed bud. The image of a shell tightly closed, much like an oyster where a grain of sand had gotten in and a pearl began forming. With the shell of the oyster tightly closed, no one is aware of the beautiful pearl hidden inside. The image of a poem by Rumi comes to mind, which I think describes the precipice or the crux of where I was at the beginning of this journey.
There is some kiss we want
with our whole lives,
the touch of Spirit on the body.
Seawater begs the pearl
to break its shell.
And the lily, how passionately
it needs some wild Darling!
This image of the tightly closed shell and the seawater begging to break in and release its pearl, speaks to my heart and what I’ve been longing for. I know God knows the desires of my heart better than I know the desires of my heart. I believe God provided an opportunity to have my heart opened. In opening my heart, I become vulnerable, yet the beauty inside my heart is now being shared. The love, compassion, and everything God has placed inside, I am sharing to bless his children for his Kingdom.
Sharing my personal story, I hope to encourage others as God leads. I put it all out there to destroy the lies of the enemy I hear God’s children repeating. I share my failures, flaws, weaknesses, and then speak of God’s great redeeming power and promises He speaks over my life and wispers in my ear in my darkest hours. I am not naive, nor am I blind to the fallen world in which we live. I struggle with sin, as I know we all do. I know as I open my heart to the possibility of love and marrying again, I will face trials and challenges. This is all part of two flawed people learning to love and relate to each other. I also believe that as we make Jesus the sovereign King over our lives, we will go through the process of sanctification and are transformed into the likeness of Christ. The marriage relationship is more about becoming one with God than each individual’s personal comfort and satisfaction. In sharing my heart and my journey, I have complete trust in God’s perfect plan and will for my life. I trust this process knowing that as I seek His face daily, I keep my hands and my heart wide open, letting go of expectations of the outcome. This means I know there may not be a love relationship with a man for me at the end. What I do know is that I give the rest of my life, my whole life, to serving His Kingdom for the glory of His name, using my creative gifts and partnering with others for this purpose. ~♡