On this God led, healing journey, my heart has opened, I’ve fallen in love, and my heart’s been broken… beautifully broken, revealing all of what God wants to heal.
This journey started well over a year ago when I started talking to Papa God about the condition of my heart and inviting Him in… Through this, He has walked with me side by side, showing me the fractured condition of my heart, and revealing the behaviors which lead me down roads which are not a part of His perfect plan for my life.
In this process, God challenged me to let go of control and fall in love. Through this, He teaches me how falling in love is an essential part of having an intimate relationship with Him, holding nothing back, allowing myself to fully give and receive His love.
My Papa God knows me like no other, and He knows how I learn. Through this, He brought a wonderful Christian man into my life and we began corresponding as of January first after a chance, online encounter New Year’s eve. I believe it was through this long-distance connection God provided a safe way for me to ‘fall in love’, letting go of the need to control and figure everything out, stay in the safety of my head. With this man I found a kindred spirit, someone who was interested in the things I said, enjoyed my quirky creative spirit, challenged me, and helped grow my understanding and love for God. God used our connection to reveal the special gifts He has given me, using them to minister, while at the same time blessing me with my friend’s special gifts of encouragement, kindness, and sacrificial love.
We shared little bits of our lives with each other through email, texts, and phone calls. We prayed for each other as we faced challenges, both large and small. When my friend faced a difficult, life changing decision, I prayed for him. The challenges he faced and the decisions he made to manage the circumstances in his life, made it impossible for us to continue our correspondence and growing friendship. This broke my heart and affected me at a much deeper level than I expected and have struggled to understand. God has been with me through it all, letting me know how much He loves me. He reminds me daily He is with me, true to His promise He will never leave me nor forsake me.
Papa God sends me songs to help me understand all He is teaching me, or wants me to know, and in an effort to help me through this loss, this unfamiliar pain I am feeling, He sent me the song You Matter to Me. Through this song, I feel Him telling me the loss I feel so deeply is because, with my friend, I felt a connection, a deep and meaningful connection. I felt I mattered, and the things I said, mattered to someone. There was someone in my life I deeply cared for, and his life mattered to me. I felt seen, loved and cherished for who I am, all of me, flaws and all. I know I loved and cherished him, all of him, all of his perfect imperfections. He was my friend and I let myself fall in love. I did so knowing there was ‘very little hope’ of us ending up together, but I let that go to trust in God and His perfect will and plan. I let go of needing to control and predict outcomes in an effort to protect my heart. In this, God asked me to open my heart completely because to truly understand His love I need to risk getting my heart broken. This is how God loves, this is how God loves me and how He will love others through me; with my whole heart, fully open, completely vulnerable. ~ ♥