Have you ever had a conversation with someone not knowing it was the last time you would speak? I’m not talking about a situation in which a death occurs, which is truly tragic and can cause pain and regret for years. But a circumstance which makes it impossible to right a wrong, say those things which continue to haunt you causing a deep ache in your heart and a longing for a sense of closure.
For a month now I have been ruminating about that last phone conversation. When the call finally came, I wasn’t ready for it emotionally. I had given up believing it would ever come. It’s timing was inconvenient, but I took the call because I had been waiting nearly a week to hear from you… talk over the phone and connect voice to voice. I know you were dealing with life changing circumstances and were over tired and overwhelmed. I was patient in my waiting, but the delay was revealing the truth ~ there was no longer space for me in your life.
When I picked up the call and heard your voice, my heart broke. You told me what I already knew and was processing alone for days. You were kind, made amends, even purposing a plan of continued contact to ease out of our friendship. Given recent events in your life, continuing to stay in contact didn’t seem right or healthy. I wanted to discuss this, but my time was pressed. I was frustrated and impatient. I regret this now… At one point you asked “So is this it then?!” I said “No, you can call me in a week as you suggest. We can talk more then.” I said a rushed goodbye, and when I hung up the phone, I felt as though I had a huge hole in my chest. I felt as I had during the prior seven days waiting for your call.
The following morning I sent you an email with the subject “Boundaries”. In it I absolved you of all responsibility or obligation to contact me ever again. I also said I was open to hearing from you, but had no expectations. I needed to be sure you were choosing not to continue to reach out to me and I wasn’t telling you not to. Even as I write this, I feel sad and know I am completely crazy for writing this post. It’s pointless. No good can come from reconnecting…even just once more with the hope of finding closure.
Maybe just writing what I wish I said will be enough.
I’m sorry I pressed ahead when I should have withdrawn and given you space. I fear I may have added greater burden to your situation instead of providing support and respite.
I am sorry for a lack of healthy boundaries and not being more sensitive and in-tune with your less direct and gentle push-back. Please forgive me.
I wish I had one last opportunity to support and encourage you as we parted ways. I wish I could have told you how much I respect you and honor your decision. One last chance to tell you changed my life for the better and I will always love you for this.
As I think of you now, I pray for your well being, strength, encouragement, and a complete restoration and healing for your family. I pray healing for every member of your family and household. I pray for fresh perspectives and new eyes to see as God sees. I pray for a home and family filled with love, even as you face challenges and walk through life as flawed imperfect people. I pray your trust is in the Lord and His promises.
This is it… what I needed to say. I can post this or delete it… posting has a very slim chance of you seeing and reading it. Maybe that 1% – 2% chance will be what I need to set the foundation for the closure I so badly crave. (I pray dear Jesus, make it so!)
Be well, be blessed mi amigo.
~ Eliza ~♡
