Almost a year ago, I began to feel something stir within my heart, something I hadn’t felt or thought about for nearly twenty years… I began to journal and process my feelings, praying and reaching out to God to help make sense of it. I will share some of my journal entries, prayers, and experiences God has used along the way, to speak to my heart and teach me about His love.
May 29th 2017 ~ Journal entry
Song of Solomon 8:6-7 NKJV
Set me as a seal upon your heart, As a seal upon your arm; For love is as strong as death, Jealousy as cruel as the grave; Its flames are flames of fire, A most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench love, Nor can the floods drown it. If a man would give for love All the wealth of his house, It would be utterly despised.
Papa, I know you know me, know the desires of my heart, and hear all my prayers and cries for help when I feel frustrated and confused. I feel like something that has long been asleep has awakened in me and I am struggling with it, what it means and if it is something I need to push down and overcome, or something I need to explore and walk through with You.
It is the thought of, and the chance for romantic love in my life. I don’t know where or how this can fit into my life, and feel it would be a distraction that could derail parts of my life I don’t want derailed. Yet I feel a longing to be desired, loved and cherished by a special man. There is not anyone this is directed toward or causing these feelings, just a certain loneliness for touch and to feel special to someone in a romantic way.
The funny thing is, I don’t want to “put myself out there”. I don’t have any desire to date or expose myself to a slew of single available men. Is what I am experiencing a final dying off of the last phases of my “youth” (I use this term loosely). *Deep sign*
Oh Papa, I love you and know you are with me always, keeping me safe and on track. Be with me through this and help me to feel how deep Your love is for me. Drown out any delusions or deceptions that would lead me down a wrong path. Help me to reconcile the loose ends in my life, the open unanswered questions. Heal the old wounds keeping me stuck in a holding pattern. Give me the courage to step out when you call me to come out of the boat. Help me to feel your peace, and your forgiveness as I stumble through these feelings and desires. I pray this in Jesus name, Amen!